capitals seem so …. arrogant. just because the letter starts the sentence doesn’t make it more important. it is too days til xmas which i have boycotted for my sanity. i am playing scrabble with faceless strangers on the net. all is well in my world. in spite of my overall negative rage against the machine attitude, i find myself having these random fits of gratitude. becoming more hermit like which is good. need to slow down and spend some time with myself. working with birthing families is intense, frustrating, beautiful, incredibly sad at times and absorbing. i am so unsure so much of the time that what i am doing is the right thing, then i remember there are no right things, only things 
a friend of mine has started urine therapy with amazing results already- it makes sense. it is a sterile body fluid (if this helps it go down?) so clean- my favourite of all body fliuds after amniotic fluid. i never thought about the blood connection, or the enzymes and antibodies… am thinking of starting myself on a few drops each morning. may cure my incredible negativity thousands of people can’t be wrong. actually, we’re never wrong. effectiveness is the only measure of truth. i find western medicine to be patriarchal, ethnocentric, arrogant, inflexible, narrow, thougtless, counter intuitive, anti-human, and violent to the extreme. our level of acceptance of it in our culture is doing us a lot of damage- a lot. what happens to newborn people and birthing women in our culture is shameful. i live in a rape culture. medicine is a part of that culture. and so am i. the violence begins and ends with me. i am so easily violent with myself each day.
this is where it gets hard.
“ i can change the story- i am the story” Jeanette Winterson
xx
